I’m going to start off by saying that I enjoyed Power Rangers way more than Beauty and the Beast. I’m not saying that Power Rangers was better than Beauty and the Beast (because Power Ranger was seriously SO BAD but I LOVED it), but I genuinely enjoyed watching it more.

I grew up loving both Beauty and the Beast and Power Rangers. The Disney movie wrapped me up in that Princess fantasy bubble, while Power Rangers had girls kicking ass. On the outside I wanted to be a princess, but on the inside I wanted to kick ass. I wanted to be Kimberly more than I wanted to be Belle, but all the girls wanted to be Belle, so that’s what I said too.

I had really high expectations for Beauty and the Beast. I loved the animated movie and the Broadway show, I freaked out with everyone else when the first trailer was released and that music I had grown up with started playing while snow fell around the castle. When I finally saw it though, I felt like I was let down. I know I’m in the minority here, since everyone I’ve talked to praises this movie to no end.

But I wanted MORE from this movie. The actors weren’t enthusiastic enough, they sang beautifully but everyone’s facial expressions always looked bored. During the songs it seemed like everyone was just going through the motions after a long day of filming. Like the movie was almost there, but just didn’t seem like enough to me. It was missing that magic that the animated movie and the Broadway show had. It was a good movie, but it wasn’t great. It was a huge disappointment, and I feel like I can’t really talk about it because people get really defensive if you criticize this movie. I like to be honest here though, I didn’t like it. It was a good movie, but it wasn’t as GREAT as I wanted it to be. I didn’t genuinely laugh once, it was more forced because I wanted to like it.

Can we also talk about how Gaston pulls out a GUN and shoots the beast like 3 times and the beast still somehow gets himself back in that tower and can coherently talk to Belle before dying? How were the raging parents okay with the gun, but not okay with the gay character? I mean, really.

Best part though was seeing the Beast turn into the guy from Legion at the end. I love that guy, and I love that whacked out show. Like WTF is even happening in each episode? I have no fucking clue, but it’s great.

Oh, and Celine Dion has a song in the credits. I LOVE YOU CELINE! #steflovesceline4ever

Moving on to Power Rangers (WAIT STOP IF YOU DON’T WANT TO READ SPOILERS YOU MUST STOP READING NOW AND GO SEE THE MOVIE AND THEN COME BACK.) WELCOME BACK! Did you LOVE it? OMG me too. I’m sure I will lose all credibility here (I really don’t actually have any sort of credibility when it comes to movies, I just see a lot of them and like to act like I know things) but I LOVED this movie because it was just as terrible as the TV show.

First, let me set the scene for you as we are walking into the movie theater yesterday. So, I’m SO GEEKED. I have my popcorn and a small soda that is basically a large because that’s how we do things now a days and I’m skipping to the theater with Marc and tons of popcorn pieces trailing behind and we find our theater and you know how theaters have that like digital thing scrolling above the door that says “Power Rangers 12:40 PM” well this one says that, then scrolls away followed by “Happy Birthday Vaughn!” and we are like “…Oh no.” We slowly walk into the theater and there, in the first row right in front of the metal bars that separates the upper seating from the lower seating, are a bunch of signs that say “Reserved”. A birthday party. God help us. The youths had not yet arrived, but we’d seen them rolling around like a ball of tiny humans beating the crap out of each other in the birthday party room.

So we go and take our seats a safe distance away from the reserved row, and spend the next 10 minutes or so watching Maria Manunos tell us about what terrible shows are coming to Freeform. Spoiler alert, they’re garbage and one has Bella Thorne.

About 5 minutes before the trailers are about to start, these children come stampeding in. Who knew 6 year olds could stomp SO LOUD. I’m not kidding, the ground was shaking, and the entire theater audience braced itself for the madness. They come in tackling each other and stepping over each other and diving onto the seats and over the bars. No parents yet, of course. I’m sure they were looking for somewhere to serve them an alcoholic beverage. I know I’d need one if I was in charge of handling twelve 6 year old boys for the day. Noooooo thank you.

The youths finally get themselves seated and the woman I’m assuming is the mother rolls on in and starts the photo shoot with one of those monster cameras and her flash is going off every 2 seconds. “Honey!  HONEY LOOK THIS WAY LOOK THIS WAY!” Because movie birthday parties are apparently a big deal. Then there’s of course photo shoot round 2 with the iPhone. She didn’t have her flash on then, so you know those photos were going to be grainy and useless, but in this day and age you have to have SOMETHING to post on Facebook right away to brag to the other moms about how much fun your kid is having and how great of a parent you are. “Look at me! I took all this young children to a PG-13 movie!” We get it you’re the cool mom, now calm down and take a seat.

Then, RIGHT BEFORE THE MOVIE IS ABOUT TO START, someone who I assume is the theater manager/party manager brings in a rolling cart filled with popcorn and sodas. This was a two hour movie. I expected the children to be bouncing of the walls in about 30 minutes. The lights went down and we all just hoped for the best.

Back to the movie. It was ridiculous, it was awful, and it met all my expectations. If you’ve ever seen the Power Rangers show or the Power Rangers original movie, you know how awful it is. There are explosions and then people are flying backwards 10 minutes later. There’s horrible dialogue, 30 year olds playing high school kids, so many back flips, and why did no one ever notice that when their watches beeped these “kids” would all creep into a corner and start whispering to each other and INTO THEIR WATCHES. But there were girls kicking ass and as a kid I LOVED IT. Belle never kicked any ass. She just read books and stayed locked in a castle. I wanted to do more than read books. I secretly wanted to be a superhero.

This Power Rangers movie was exactly what I expected it to be. Marc laughed saying it was angsty Breakfast Club meets Power Rangers. He was not wrong.

The actors were better than the original show/movie, though still not great. Red Ranger looked oddly like Zac Efron? Maybe they’re related? I’m too lazy to look it up. Becky G showed up as the yellow ranger, and Marc leaned over and whispered, “Isn’t that the girl who opened at that Demi Lovato concert?” I have never been so proud. Then she says something later and he leans over again, and says “She enjoys singing in the shower.” I DIED. I have never had more fun at a movie.

Marc and I see a lot of movies, and we usually sit and watch very intently, never look at each other, never speak, we laugh when parts are funny, I gasp and cover my eyes a lot, and then later we go to lunch or dinner and have a thorough discussion about the movie from start to finish. But we were in the theater of kids who, when one of the girls goes swimming in her underwear, screamed “EW BOOBS” and we were the only people there who didn’t bring children. Side note: I did say this movie was PG-13, right? Does no one pay attention to ratings anymore? I know your kids watched Power Rangers on Nickelodeon, but seriously this movie starts off with a joke about a teenager trying to milk a bull, thinking it was a female cow. That’s where we’re going here. Regardless, we were throwing side comments like crazy during this one.

We laughed and laughed about the nonsense product placement, you could have a really successful drinking game for every time “Krispy Kreme” is mentioned, and about just how silly the whole movie was. It was a really wonderful time, even after the sugar and caffeine kicked in and all the youths started to lose their minds 30 minutes before the film ended.

I think the thing is, Beauty and the Beast took itself too seriously, where Power Rangers wanted to and then realized there’s just no way you can do that with the material you’re working with. Another side note, the new Power Ranger costumes had BUTT CHEEK PADS. I AM BEING SO SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

Rita was actually really creepy. I thought Elizabeth Banks did a nice job stealing everyone’s gold teeth fillings to make her monster.

Fun fact, did you know they want to make FOUR MORE of these movies? I can barely contain my excitement. I’m all about it, truly. Marc and I will be there, loving it and laughing. Because sometimes you just need that kind of movie. #buttcheekpads #billyisthebest #iheartnerds

P.S. If you have seen this movie and enjoy podcasts, I recommend downloading the Power Rangers episode of We Hate Movies where they make fun of this movie. I laughed so hard, it made my day.

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SO MUCH ANGST.
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